This song is quite special to me. It was January 2022 when I first discovered it, on that train to Alps. I had just finished my 3 years onboard Logos Hope, completely burned out, almost 'fleeing' from the scorching heat of Ghana to the coolness of Switzerland.
Where will you run my soul? Where will you go when wells run dry?
I'm running to the Secret Place, where you are, where you are...
The train dropped me off in one of the villages built along the ridges of the snowy mountain. Standing there was a traditional Swiss chalet—a Christian community called L'Abri. It was also open to non-Christians, however—in fact, to all kinds of people—as long as they carried questions they wanted to journey through. From January to February, I stayed at L'Abri to process the three intense years on Logos Hope, most often in tears, through endless walks in the mountains and conversations with strangers around the fire.
Of course, God is available anywhere for us to process things. But in that season of my life, I felt I needed a tangible 'safe haven' where I could begin my journey with ease. Thanks to the teary journal entries I wrote, I gained the strength to push myself to fly back to Korea and start my military service. And most of you know what happened once I finished my service: I flew to Tanzania to rejoin the mission world, which eventually led me back to Logos Hope for a second time.
And even that time has passed. I sit at my desk in my parents' house in Korea, looking back on the two months that flew by. I wish I had stayed on Logos Hope longer than two months, but now I’ve come to accept the perfect timeframe that it was. It's nice to close my time with the ship's closure of its 14-month mission in Africa. As I write, she’s crossing the Atlantic to reach her next adventure: the Caribbean.
While it was a déjà-vu to fly from a hot African country to a cooler—chillier—one, it did not mean I was carrying the same pain or burnout as the last time. I did, however, feel an immense desire to 'hide away,' just like before. So, I decided to join the Korean L'Abri in the city of Yangyang for a few days.
Whoever visits L'Abri enjoy the opportunity to disconnect from their mobile devices and bring out a physical notebook to start their thinking journey. I also pulled out a yellow notebook that one of my friends gave me as a parting gift, bought from the Book Fair of Logos Hope. On its first page, I started writing down the course of events that occurred over the past two months:
Whoever visits L'Abri enjoys the opportunity to disconnect from their mobile devices and pull out a physical notebook to begin their thinking journey. I also pulled out a yellow notebook that one of my friends had given me as a parting gift, bought at the Logos Hope Book Fair. On its first page, I started writing down the course of events that had occurred over the past two months:
First, I described the sense of calling I felt when I was returning to the ship.
Then, I wrote about the time I prepared for a project I thought I was going to lead. Next, the first week in Ghana, when I learned there had been no communication about my project.
Then, the moment I confronted my leaders about that unfortunate situation.
After that, the moment when some of the leaders questioned my integrity toward this job, which hurt me.
Then, the moment I decided to work in a main department, instead of spending all my time onboard fighting to prove myself.
Then, the moment I realized that one of the leaders had asked the Personnel Team to ensure I wouldn't end up in the department I originally wanted to move to, out of personal grudges against me.
Then, the moment I wanted to leave the ship altogether.
Then, the moment my parents called, challenging me to ask God one last time.
Finally, the moment I prayed, and then the moment He changed my heart, reminding me of the other reasons why I was back onboard.
Two months, but ups and downs that felt like two years.
On the next page, I wrote about my time in the Galley—the department I ended up choosing. Flashed before my eyes were the daily 5:55AM report times, sleepy eyes of my coworkers from all over the world, the 1000 dishes we cleaned each day, and the 1000 meals we prepared.
Then, I wrote about the moment of leaving the beloved community, of walking down that gangway, followed by a group of people I never thought I had the privilege of getting to know, in tears, giving me hugs that I didn't want to let go, simply thanking God saying... if this is why you brought me back here, it was worth it.
While I'm still in the process of learning why God brought me back to the ship to spend those two eventful months, I'm excited to continue discovering the little moments of God's grace hidden between the pages of my notebook and in the goodbye letters my friends wrote me.
But for you, my dear supporters and prayer partners, I will do my best to share some insights I’ve gained so far regarding the question of why God led me back to Logos Hope this time around:
- Firstly, I have reason to believe that God is bringing a season of revival onboard Logos Hope, and He invited me to be a part of it. Not just a wild, one-time revival where everyone jumps up and down, but a collective, grounding, silent yet consistent revival that stirs repentance in the hearts of the 300 missionaries from 65 different nationalities. This kind of revival tends to restore, rejuvenate, and prepare the hearts of God’s workers for the season ahead. Having been with this ministry since 2019, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing revivals when they happened, learning how to be responsive to the work of the Holy Spirit when He moves, and using the gifts and tools God gave me. And this time around, onboard Logos Hope, I believe there was a need for people like me to encourage others to also be responsive when God starts bringing in a new season. If God allowed me to be one of those people who pointed others to the right place to look, as I lived out my passion for worship and discipling potential worship leaders to lead small gatherings and times of worship, I believe He did what He wanted to do through me. I was once again invited to a season of revival, and this time, God gave me an active role. Hallelujah.
- Secondly, I have reason to believe that God was providing the necessary tools the ship’s community needed in this new season, and He allowed me to be one of those tools. During the pandemic, Logos Hope received many workers who weren’t fully equipped for the specific ministry the ship does. But even in those times, God was calling some of the ‘oldies’—people who had been involved in the ship’s ministry before the pandemic—to return to the community and use their experiences and knowledge to help equip the new group. I believe God gave me the opportunity to be part of this encouraging process, as I was tasked with teaching a 4-week course on ‘Creative Evangelism’ to the ship’s workers. I was overjoyed when some of the ship’s people told me they were now able to confidently share the Gospel with unbelievers, using what they had learned in my class. In turn, I was also able to learn from the material I gathered for the lecture, which helped me share the Gospel with two Muslims in both Ghana and Sierra Leone! One of them was gifted with a new Bible, and I’m excited to hear how he journeys with it, as I recommended that he read it alongside the Quran.
- Thirdly, I have reason to believe that God knew what I needed more than I could ever know about myself. At first, I thought I was being called back to the ship to provide help to the community, thinking that a lot of it depended on my strengths and skills. But God humbled me through the unfortunate turn of events in the first week, challenging me to let go of the slightest sense of control I so desperately wanted to cling to. When I let go of that control, a space was created within me that God began to fill. He started healing and redeeming some of the things from my past experiences onboard. One example would be the loneliness I struggled with when I joined the ship in 2019 and was asked to be part of the People Development Team—a mid-level leadership position. It was a good time, but I always felt like I wasn’t part of a team, mostly because my role was self-operating. I didn’t realize how much consolation I needed in this area until I truly experienced the real joy of being a team member in the Galley this time around. Furthermore, I finally learned how to be a trustworthy brother to my teammates, as I was able to share some of my Logos Hope experiences. This is just one example of the many areas of 'sadness' I had about the ship when I was leaving last time, which met a touch of redemption from the Lord.
You might find the first newsletter I wrote about going back to the ship interesting. (https://maily.so/taeheeum/posts/wdr9jww0zlx) If you read carefully, you’ll see me painting big pictures about my future onboard—thinking I would be there for more than three months, talking about the big project I’d be leading...
Now that I look back, none of it really came together as I had expected. However, there is one quote from that letter that still resonates with me.
Now that I look back, none of it really came together as I had expected. However, I found one quote from that letter that still resonates in me.
Of course, my heat is often at turmoil, even in the recent few days. I fear I might leave the ship once again with the same type of disappointment and hurt again. I worry that I might repeat the same mistakes I'd made in the past.
However, God was so kind to remind me the following truth—again, through a word of encouragement some of my friends shared in the exact moment I needed it: that I am a different person from the person who went on the ship 5 years ago. Because of that, though the ship may've stayed the same, God will teach me new things, grow me in new ways, and provide new grace.
Isn't that crazy? I already predicted that I may be disappointed again when I leave. I was worried that it would destroy me once again. But I praise God, because although the disappointment hit me again, He also gave me tougher skin to endure it. Nay, not just 'endure'. He allowed me to make it into something beautiful.
What I have to say about this experience on Logos Hope, this time around, is that we GROW. And it's a joyful thing to do that. And in that joy and gratefulness, I can confidently sing the last line of the song I introduced:
"Better is a moment that I spend with You Than a million other days away."
If the enemy tries to tell me, "Your two months were a waste. You could've done other things for your future.", this lyric is what I would reply with.
Thank you so much for all your prayers and support for the last 2 months of my time onboard Logos Hope. Many of you were surprised three times: 1) when I decided to go back, 2) when I shared the news of going to Galley, and 3) when I said I'm already back in Korea. That shows how much care you showed in this journey of life that I'm on. I hope to do the same to your journey.
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